where did i go

where did i go i feel like ive made a complete 360. Ive definately been here before and i am really not a fan of this return. why cant i just go back to how i use to be i was happy and at ease. unfortunately i am a wreck. I continue to do things that are harmful and i wish i could stop. i want these thoughts to go away and I want to just be completely happy again. I feel like i have no one and that makes it worse I dont kno who to turn too because everyone has let me down. I cannot take anymore stabs to the back i already feel like swiss chesse i want to beable to let go and open up to the ones i care fore but i cannot handle another let down. I dont kno what id do.

Her Bliss

Death is in the flower's heart –
Why to cry for life of any petal?

Death in purple ink of weary pens
Betrays the written yearnings
On her scented paper.

Death is laughing in her cry;
Her broken heart forlorn upon the sleeve.

Death ignores the plight of any purity –
He doesn’t care or seem to be aware of
What her dewy eye desires,
For Death beckoned:

'Embrace the jar! '
And yes, she did –
For Death, of course.

After all, no other man would
Open up her hand and bid her with a kiss,
So Death became her bliss.

M.R. Slaughter


All I have to say is wow

The Pain I feel

The pain I feel is real
it haunts me every day
It makes it hard to breath
I just want it to go away

My pain I feel is unseen
I hide it day to day
I disguise it w a burn
and for a small while I feel ok

The pain I feel is constant
I hide it with a smile
I've taught my self to laugh
even thou I can barely walk a mile

The pain I feel inside
is locked up deep with in
I hide it from myself
I don't want the problems to begin

Ive mastered the pain I feel
or so I have thought
but the pain has resurfaced
the scares it has brought

I'm done with this pain
I don't like it anymore
I wish I could just live my life
with out it knocking at my door

someone please help me
to find myself again
this pain is starting to wear me down
cuz as of late all i can wear is a frown

Thanks for putting me back together

There have been countless times where living seems like too much work and not worth it at all but then I remember I have you guys in my life and it makes it all worth while. I love you guys!!! Thanks for showing me that it is possible to have good friends and that there are people out there who care and wont let you down. I've been thru hell and back and am finally starting to become whole again. So thanks to you guys cuz with out ya I know I wouldn't have made it this far.
:)

lovin it

I am seriously one lucky girl
I have a family that loves me
Friends that adore me
And haters who are just gunna hate
Im obviously doing something right
xoxo

yeah the memories still hurt but im done being sad

Yeah the memories still hurt but I'm done being sad
You clearly never cared but I'm done being mad
I have found enough strength in myself to move on
Yeah change is scary but the past isn't something to dwel on

Yeah the memories still haunt my dreams
But really I feel they were just a bunch of schemes
I am sick of feeling hurt alone n stabbed
But eventually all these wounds will scab

I am a much better person with out you
I lost myself for awhile but I suddenly feel brand new
Never again will I fall into this trap
I am strong and tough so I guess thank you for that

Ur an asshole

I think you're a fuckn asshole. I have never been anything but nice to you and concerned for you n all you can fuckn do is ignore me n say you don't have a problem. I think you should be a fuckn man clearly you have a prob with me cuz no decent human being would just ignore someone for no reason so man the fuck up n tell it to me straight what the fuck is your problem!!!!

you will never understand

I dont fully think you understand what you have done to me. You dragged me from my home ditched me and fucked my future roommate. Its extremely hard for me to forgive but I did and the very next fuckn weekend you came back to my town and completely and utterly fuckn ignored me like i wasnt worth fuckn shit. fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I am devistated and scarred. you got out of this a fuckn girlfriend I lost my best friend. I trusted you with everything and told you so much about myself. It kills me how little you care. I hate myself because of how much a fool i was to allow myself to get so close to you. I have never been so beatn down in my life and i honsetly dont kno if i will ever fully recover. I hope you're happy you have completely destroyed my every being. never in my life have i been so scared of my thoughts and actions and it is all your fault. I hope you're happy.

HELP what happened to me

Help im falling into a dark place
this place i dont wanna be
my thoughts are extremely scary
and im worried about what im going to do
I hate this lost feeling
the alone terrified feeling
my tears are beginning to burn
and I just cant handle this pain
What happened to me
Im lost and alone
I have forgotten myself

Honestly do you really think thats a good idea

Ok so you know very well how I feel about you and yes I know you have absolutely no feelings toward me but really do you really think it is a good idea to bring her around like seriously?!?!?! Like seriously I am trying extremely hard to get over you and move on but do you really think I wanna meet the girl that is about to replace me? DO you really think that is a good idea? like I cannot believe you asked me that knowing how I feel and what I'm going thru. And seriously if you think this is a good idea I really don't think I want you around anymore. I have been strugling with this for years because I kno that it is impossible for us to stay as close when you get this girl and honestly I can only take one major let down at a time so give me a chance to recover from this first blow ok Thanks

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OMG WHAT DID I DO TO MYSELF!?!?!?!?!?!?! 22 credit hrs of pretty much all science and math and working 20 hrs a week ahhhhh goodbye social life. GEEZE its only the 1st week and I already feel behind and am starting to freak out n this was suppose to be the easy week. Lord help me.

I Need a Moment

Ok it is officially summer and let me tell you I have never been so stressed out, irritated, annoyed, and busy ever in my entire life. See my summer started May 20 something and I have been on the go ever sense. I need a long moment just to collect myself yet there is just no time for that. If this is what it is to "be responsible and grown up" I dont wanna do it any more. I have no time for my life. I have resently become such an angry upset person and I really dont like it. I NEED a break. So much for a relaxing summer to recover from the school year this is ten times worse!!!!

UGH

OK seriously you are so fucking dense. Will you ever get it. Maybe now after the hundredth time this issue has happened you'll finally see where I have been coming from for all these years. She is a fucking bitch who treats u like shit don't you see it or are u too blind by false desires. Seriously I am sick of being ur best friend n hearing the same complaints over n over again. when will you get it n finally hear what i have been telling you all these years. When will u wake up n see how awful she is. I find it fucking hilarious how much you talk out with her but when I am right in front of ur fucking face practically with a neon sign saying I am upset you just cant see it. Can you honestly not see the upset in my eyes when you constantly talk about her. well fuck you! Fuck you n ur Fucked up fantasies! I really do not think I can do this anymore. I am falling to pieces and you just cant see what you are doing to me. The role of Best Friend give it to someone else I just cant handle it anymore!!!!

Silent Tears

So it seems that I will be crying myself to sleep for like the 4th time this week and its really starting to annoy me. There are just so many emotions that I feel daily and sometimes it doesn't seem normal. Silent tears are the only way I have been expressing myself l8ly and it makes me feel week. I hate crying n usually I never cry (well unless its a sappy movie). I never cry because I never use to get o down I use to be an extremely happy person sometimes ever overly happy about pretty much everything. And Now for some reason that all has changed and I hate it. I would give anything to get my old self back. I feel like I take 3 steps forward and 5 steps back and sometimes I think I will never escape this cycle of lows. I wish I was able to openly express my self but I just cant. Only thru my silent tears do I ever feel any relief and yet at the same time the tears anger me. I have no idea what to do and desperately wanna find a way out.

OK Seriously...WFT

Ok one of my biggest pet peves n annoyances is when ur suppose to be hanging out with someone n its like hangint out with a wall. You say ur coming over n like the entire time ur on my efing computer. I would speak n seriously nothing in responce. Excelent conversational skills like seriously WTF. Honestly i would have been completely fine with out you here i was paractically talking n hangint out with my self any ways. Ugh irritating. At least for once it wasnt the txtn but come on the next time you wanna hang out with a computer go the fuck home. like seriously WTF.

It's Easter

It's Easter!!!! HOnestly I use to love easter cux everything from now till summer goes by super fast. Well today is very different. I am not enjoying theis holiday and it finally bubbled to the surface. I sit here crying for so many reasons its really hard to keeptrack of them all. I feel alone and i kinda wanna just runaway. I am not looking fwd to the next month or so due to the constantly growing list of shit I have to do. I seriously wish i could rewind the clock n go back to when I was younger and the only thing I worried aobut was what Easter dress to wear and happy about the coming months n excited for whats to come. I would give anything to just go back n relive it all. every little bit from egg hunts to church to every family meal and soak in every emotion and detail i possibly. And to just relive the days when I had no worrys or concerns and appreciate it. WHen life was simple and the only thing that changed was the weather. BOy do I miss it all.

THis says it all

The summer we met how could I have known
I saw you that first time standing alone
I was new to the crowd and a little bit scared
I needed a friend who really cared
I never thought it would be you who'd come when I was down
I always felt if my life flooded you'd just let me drown

I don't know how it happened,
you were suddenly my best friend
I sat and listened to you cry
Your broken heart I tried to mend

You told me about the girl you loved
I told you be patient to look up above
I said to trust God to really pray
You said that you had, so I prayed everyday

I asked God to guide you and help you to see
I told you you could always depend on me
You got what you wanted but she doesn't treat you right
You both argue and she always starts a fight

One night we were talking about something she'd done
I had known I liked you but then it hit me all in one
Suddenly I knew I loved you more than life itself
and I broke down and cried all by myself

When I finally told you you didn't seem surprised
I stood in front of you drying my eyes
I love you more than words can say
I think about you everyday

You are my best friend and I hate to see you cry
I try to hide my feelings believe me I try
I know I'll never measure up to what you see in her,
she's the luckiest girl I've ever known
But just know you're never on your own
I love you, my best friend

I dont remember where I got this but its like my life all wrapped up in on poem.

Struggling with Goodbye.

Would you be able to say goodbye to someone and leave knowing you will never see or speak to that person again? In the book I am reading the young son of only 11 I think has to do just that. He hugs his dad for the very last time and he is forced to leave. On the dads side I couldn't imagine the pain of the realization of holding his son for the very last time. See the dad is dieing on cancer, he will never see his son again. When I think of this I cant help but break down and sob. For me saying goodbye and leaving would be the hardest thing in the world. I honestly do not think I would be able to do so.

I am paralyzed at the thought of having to do this one day and am reminded of how hard it was to watch my papa die right in front of me. Not really being able to say my goodbye or accept the fact that he would never come out of this. I was away when they put him on the breathing machine. The last time I ever spoke to him and hugged and kissed him was Easter and I remember how frail he looked but I honestly thought he would be able to recover and be back to his old self in no time. Everyone thought this. I remember finding out what was going on through a facebook status and how scared I was think what might be the out come of this.Finally getting home and seeing his condition just broke my heart because I knew this was it. We all got our time to say our goodbyes and give our last hugs. The next 7 hours were the hardest and longest hours of my life.

We all sat there and watched my papa take his last breaths completely helpless and conscious of what was inevitable. I tried to be strong and supportive because i knew this was even harder for my Nannie and my dad and aunt. I still find it extremely hard to accept that he is gone and i will never see him again. Part of me wishes I knew ahead of time what the future would bring because when i would have said my final goodbye i would have studied every little detail. I would have studied ever detail of the last year.

I know you shouldn't dwell on the past and there was nothing that could have been done but i just cannot help it. i wish i was there to really say goodbye and let him know how much i loved him and how much he would be missed. Not a day goes by that i am not reminded of him and smile. I just really wish i could have given him one last hug and really say my goodbyes.

Still Missing You Sooo Very Much

A reading From the 1st letter of Paul to the Corinthians

I beg you, my loved ones, not to neglect this graced moment. Now is the favorable time. This is the day of salvation. I have proved that I am a servant of God by great fortitude in times of suffering; in times of hardship and distress; when I was laboring, sleepless and starving. I have proved that I am God's servant by my patience and kindness, by spirit of holiness, and by my love for you. I am said to be dying, but here I am alive; though most miserable, yet I am always rejoicing; said to have nothing; yet I have everything.

And so I speak to you as a father to his children, open wide your hearts! You are temples of the living God. Strive now to reach the perfection of holiness to which each of you have been called.

And keep a place for me in your hearts. You are in my heart even to the sharing of death and life together. I have the greatest confidence in you and am so proud of you. Dispite my many afflictions, I am filled with consolation and my joy knows no bounds.

Now I must say good-bye. I beg you to encourage one another. Live in harmony and peace and the God of love and peace will be with you. Greet one another with a holy kiss. And may the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.


RIP Papa April 24 2009

This has been the hardest idea for me to grasp. My Papa has passed. It came as such a shock, we were all devistated. We all truly believed that he would get better and he would be back to is happy go lucky jolly self in no time. Unfortunately this was not the case. As his everything comes to a close I kno it is time for me to say good-bye and accept what has happened but i just cant bring myself to do so. I honestly dont want to go back to life because that means that this nightmare is reality. Papa was such an amazing person and a great grandfather and I'm not ready to let him go. This is going to be extremely difficult but i kno that I will make it. I have such a loving family and I know I am not alone in anything. It ment so much to me to see how many people were turly touched my my Papa. Everyone loved him. He has made such an impact on my life and I was lucky enough to have such an amazing Papa. I honestly dont think they get better. He was at every concert graduation performance everything. He would stand up and shout "Bravo" and applaud with everything he got. On stage you could see him right away and when you heard his bravo you knew how proud of you he was and it would instantly put a smile on your face. I kno in my heart that even though he won't be there physically I know I'll hear him when I graduate shouting Bravo and I will be able to see the excitement in his face and his shear joy of being proud. Papa was such a ham too. He was constantly smiling and taking pictres. There was never a case where he didnt want to take a picture. Seriously in every picture he is smiling or giving some kind of "Papa like" expression. He really just makes you happy. I hope that I will beable to incorporate his happiness and joy into my every day life. I feel that I have taken some of his ham tendencies as well because boy do i love taking pictures. lol

So heres to you Papa. I love you. Not a day will go by that I don't think of you or get reminded of your happiness and joy. Your smile will live forever in my heart and I will always keep your memories close. Papa I will not say goodbye because you will always be there i may not be able to see you but I will be able to feel your presence and energy. I love you forever and always Papa. Forever and always. XOX

New Beginings

Lately I have been seriously contemplating starting completely over. Entirely erasing the past and starting new. The memories are distracting not to mention a lil depressing. I honestly feel that they are holding me back. I really want to start over. I haven't figured out how yet so well see how far I get.

So What

Ok so maybe I do have a problem. SO WHAT!!!! It isn't effecting you so what does it matter. Leave it alone I like it. I feel better, don't screw that up for me. I like it, everything about it. When it starts to bother me ill do something about it. But for now SO WHAT!!!!

I am Angry

I don't want to see you any more, ever. I am angry. You make me feel different in a bad way. you make me wanna drink and drink a lot. I am angry. I feel so much pain thinking about you and seeing your face. Yes you were my everything but now for some reason I just really want to forget all about you. I contemplate taking down the pictures on my walls cuz the memories they store make me wanna cry. I am angry. I may have a problem but I don't want to fix it and you just make it worse and i am even more angry. Please leave me alone. I need to get away from you and all the memories. I am angry and above all sad.

Im so Clueless

OK I am so screwed and clueless!!!! I had to do a career autobiography for my EPSY 220 class. Well I was extremely excited and I had a lot of fun with this project. It wasn't till after I gave my presentation and one of my classmates commented did I truly realize I am lost confused clueless and screwed. Your proly wondering what this classmate said well he said that he thought it was interesting that in my career project I didn't mention storms or my interest in atmospheric science and he noted that I was very creative in making this project. This took me by surprise because atmos didn't even cross my mind when I was putting together this project. this lack of mention in my career project is really odd because its about me and my career interests n experiences and I didn't mention my potential major at all.

This is where my confusion and cluelessness sets in. If I didn't mention atmos at all and put so much creativity into this career project then maybe i don't really want to do atmos and maybe i should consider something else. So this made me think what do I really wanna do and ya know what came to my head, photography and picture editing and interior design. But this sparks issues. If I decide to switch my major or career path I would honestly feel like I just wasted 2 years of my life and 50 grand. So now I am torn. What do I do?